For whatever reason, "turn and cough" is one of the funniest lyrics I think I've ever heard, in the song "Get In Line" by the Barenaked Ladies:
Everybody open your mouth,
Everybody just say "ahh"
(Ahh, ahh, ahh..)
Everything will be alright
this won't hurt at all.
Everybody get in line,
Everybody turn and cough,
Everything will be alright,
if you just lay off.
I would be curious to know whether the fairer sex understands this reference.
Male checkups for children were fairly benign affairs. I imagine what female checkups might involve and I think I got out pretty lucky.
But in case there's no direct counterpart for those with innies, the lyric refers to a test, for what I don't really know, when the doctor would stick two fingers through the scrotum and sort of poke (through the outer skin, not through any orifice) into the pelvic cavity. He would then tell you to turn your head to one side and cough.
At least I think this was standard. Or was I being molested? (If I was, I don't want to know.)
It has a reputation for being a darling of the right. I'm not personally of the right, or especially darling.
But still I love it.
Why? It's fast. It gets the story up before any reputable news source could verify that it's accurate, or even a story. In our modern self-help jargon, it Takes Risks! and Makes Mistakes!
Matt Drudge is, apparently, truly conservative. (From time to time, banner ads for Ann Coulter appear on his site.
(Brief aside: I have a fantasy in which I am offering color commentary from the left on CNN, and I get the opportunity to explain the phenomenon that is Ann Coulter. "Two words: Hubba hubba."
(I wonder how she would respond. It obviously would be a deliberate effort toward demeaning her, toward placing her physical appearance above any actual effort or skill on her part. Sort of a milder equivalent of accusing a woman of sleeping her way to the top.
(On the other hand, she does seem to play up that aspect of herself (her web site, aside from showcasing her essays and selling her books, has an extensive gallery section (no nudity, I checked)). More than that, the spirit with which she defends male boorishness almost makes it seem as though she is doing more than attacking PC excesses and defending it in its own right.
(And, of course, there is the simple truth of the matter, that she is the Anna Kournikova of the commentary world. But I digress.)
Having read the Drudge Report for a couple of years, I can discern a pattern. There's the story that seems calculated to bring out the ire of conservative readers ("GAY MARRIAGES IN MASSACHUSETTS!!!!"), but there also seems to be a component of stories designed to warn conservatives that one of their own is slipping from orthodoxy ("NANCY REAGAN SUPPORTS STEM CELL RESEARCH!!!!"). I find that this has a way of balancing things out.
And again, he's the master of the unsubstantiated rumor. He almost single-handedly created a story a few months ago, now forgotten, in which it appeared that Sen. Kerry, a married man, was going to be linked to a very young woman. She may have even been an intern somewhere. Because that rumor appeared on his site, other, legitimate sources were able to report on that as an event ("CONSERVATIVE LACKEY SPREADING RUMORS OF KERRY ADULTERY!!!!") and thereby provide a lame excuse for not following their usual policy of refusing to publish unproven yellow journalism.
I find it all very entertaining. And, of course, every now and then he's actually right.
When you're used to 2 adults charging things, it's amazing how hard it is to get a charge card bill up to $2000. I spend and spend and still my bills are low.
Of course, when I say "spending" all it really includes (beyond gas and food) is a kitchen-stocking trip to Organized Living, a new pair of jeans (first in five years) and pajama pants (first since 8 years old) from the Gap, and a half-dozen CDs.
Forefinger & middle finger thwarted by perpindicular vertical hand
Sure, Seymour Hersh's account of deliberate humiliation of Iraqi prisoners is getting all the attention in the May 10 New Yorker. But it was an item in the letters to the editor (which apparently did not make the on line edition) that caught my eye.
Following up on an article in the April 19/26 edition regarding efforts of the Farrelly Brothers to write a Three Stooges screenplay (which die-hard fans opposed), Stewart B. Herman of Mendham, N.J. answers the question:
Why is Moe angry?
"The central theme of the original Stooges is, clearly, the struggle of these children of immigrants to succeed in a Wasp-dominated culture. Again and again, Curly thwarted Moe in some attempt to assimilate. Usually, the boys . . . were trying to hustle their way into a privileged setting -- a swanky party, a leafy college campus. Moe is the idea man. He's going to have the boys make money painting a mansion, or catering an affair. That sets up the inevitable culture clash, which of course degenerates into pie throwing. Curly provides the spark by acting the uncouth, ethnic misfit, making eyes at the girl, and getting them thrown out. Then Moe has to poke Curly in the eye or bop him on the head. This is painful to Moe. Not only can't he make a buck; Curly's behavior reinforces the prejudice that stands in their way. Larry was the conciliator, but his passivity aggravated Moe. It's poignant."
Clearly.
I suppose I'll never know the answer to the next burning question: After you've thought about it this much, is it still funny?
It's enough to make you want to take somebody's nose in your fist and smack it down.
I frequently consider canceling my local newspaper subscription. Coverage of national issues sucks. But then I open it this morning to this (mini registration may be required) and that quarterly bill for $11 seems worthwhile. If more people would just get out there and do things like this more often, maybe newspaper circulation could halt its downward spiral.
And now the purple dusk of twilight time
Steals across the meadows of my heart
High up in the sky the little stars climb
Always reminding me that we're apart
You wander down the lane and far away
Leaving me a song that will not die
Love is now the stardust
Of yesterday
The music
Of the years
Gone by
Sometimes i wonder why i spend
The lonely nights
Dreaming of a song.
The melody haunts my reverie
And i am once again with you.
When our love was new, and each kiss an inspiration.
But that was long ago, and now my consolation
Is in the stardust of a song.
Beside the garden wall, when stars are bright
You are in my arms
The nightingale tells his fairy tale
Of paradise where roses grew.
Though i dream in vain, in my heart you will remain
My stardust melody
The memory of love's refrain.
